As I am writing this, I am thinking about you and how you found your way here today. The journey you’re already on that has led to our paths crossing. Just like my journey and how my paths crossed with the right people at the right time to not only give me this special gift of life free of addiction but then to have everything I needed to transform it and share it with others on their paths.
Let me share a glimpse into my journey with you.
With over 25 years in the health and social care sector, including a significant period working in addiction recovery services, I found myself facing a surprising twist – a 3-year battle with Ketamine addiction at the age of 42.
As a professional woman, I expected to find readily available support once I realised, I needed to confront my drug use before it wreaked havoc on my business, marriage, and health. However, the reality proved to be quite different. Despite my experience and efforts, I struggled to find the right help.
The gift
Sometimes a gift is given and what it first appears, is not what it will be in the end.
One sunny Sunday afternoon in September 2023 after a big weekend binge, and as I lay in my husband’s arms, sobbing with anger, frustration and shame, the only gift I had was a gift of despair. I just didn’t know it was a gift at the time.
Like many other high-functioning professionals struggling with addiction, I didn’t have a rock bottom. However, I am under no illusion that if I hadn’t tackled my addiction when I did, that rock bottom would have been part of my journey.
This wasn’t my first ‘gift of despair’ where I had been determined to stop using my drug of choice. I had of course successfully stopped using Ketamine for at least a day or two on a number of occasions, but always found myself giving in to cravings and falling back in to my old habit.
Hormonal mayhem
This time though, something was different. It was the beginning of a profound journey to recovery from a 3-year Ketamine addiction. My addiction was triggered by debilitating Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) symptoms and the Pandemic, which turned my life upside down.
Addiction doesn’t discriminate and can happen to any of us at any point in our lives. It happened to me at the age of 42, a Mam, wife, dog parent, female entrepreneur and business owner in the world of workplace wellbeing with a 25 year career in health, social care and drug and alcohol recovery services…it still happened to me.
Beginnings
Beginnings have endless layers and consequences that ripple outwards, each ripple connecting with something new and creating a new ripple in another direction. My journey of recovery was and still is filled with joy, newfound friends, serendipity, frustration, more despair, psychological breakthroughs, emotional turmoil, empowerment, shame, acceptance and love.
But it all had to start with me reaching out for help. I knew I couldn't do this on my own despite all of my years working in the field and all the knowledge I had about substances and addiction.
I initially attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings, where I stuck to their approach of complete abstinence from everything (even alcohol, despite not having a problem with alcohol) for six weeks. However, the initial sense of satisfaction from abstaining began to diminish as I started questioning the principles of Narcotics Anonymous.
I'm not an addict
Calling myself an ‘addict’ or anyone else for that matter, was also a big no for me. I hate the word due to its association with stereotypes that foster stigma and discrimination. Negative self-talk can prohibit successful recovery. I wanted to call myself a woman in recovery, but that wasn’t allowed. Plus, I was so much more than my addiction. After just 6 weeks I said goodbye to NA and back to the drawing board of where to find help.
I searched online for an 'addictions counsellor' for months but found them unrelatable. They hadn’t been through the profound nature of developing an addiction and finding a successful pathway for recovery. Oh, and there were zero, Ketamine addiction specialist with lived experience as you can imagine!
At a loss and feeling defeated I called my GP, who fumbled his words due to his complete lack of knowledge about what I was asking for help for. All he managed to muster in disbelief was "Where do buy Ketamine from!?” With my weird sense of humour, I answered “Why? Would you like me to order your some!?”
I mean it's comical now, but it wasn't at the time as I was desperate for help. So I agreed to visit the local Drug and Alcohol Action team which, as I had expected, was a shambles.
You know it's going to be a sh*t show when the worker arrives to your meeting with a scruffy piece of paper with just 'Emily' written on the top and his first question is…. "You're here for alcohol, right?" Wrong! He hadn't read my triage assessment then proceeded to call Ketamine a horse tranquiliser. I was so humiliated and defeated, I left my dignity at the door and left.
I got in my car and sobbed on the phone to my husband. I didn’t just cry for myself though, I cried for all of the people struggling with addiction in that centre who didn’t have the luxury like me of financial wellbeing to pay for quality support (which I just needed to find) and their only option was to access services like this. I had completely lost all hope. I went home and soothed my emotional pain the best way I knew how, as this debacle triggered a lapse after a period of abstinence.
Recovery coaching
But then, everything changed when a chance connection from a friend I had found in NA was made between me and Naetha at the Recovery Coach Academy. Naetha connected me to the unheard world of Recovery Coach Professionals.
Recovery Coach Professionals are like hen’s teeth in the UK in (2024) with only a handful of us trained Recovery Coach Professionals (RCP). That's why my Recovery Coach is in America! (shoutout to Laura, all the way from the States!)
Everything finally clicked into place. No more cookie-cutter approaches or one-size-fits-all solutions – just personalised, tailor-made support designed just for me and my unique journey. The rest they say is history!
And the best part? I knew from my recovery journey that this was now my calling! So, I embarked on a new journey. A journey of learning to qualify as a Recovery Coach Professional and use my entrepreneurial skills to launch Big World Recovery to provide the support that I needed that wasn’t there for me in the UK to ensure I am here for you.
So here we are reader. Welcome to Big World Recovery and my musings